So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
