I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
