I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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