Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
