Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
