All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
