We won't sleep together?
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
