Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
