I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
