Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
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