I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
