my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
