Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
