ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
