I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
