Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
