This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
