Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just threw up on my dentist
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
