I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
