i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
