I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
