I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize