But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
