she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
