Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
