so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
