as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Those nachos came to me in a dream
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
