At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Randomize
