Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
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