Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
