I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Mom said you looked used
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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