She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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