I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
