Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize