I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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