Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
where are you?
Hypothermia
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
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