You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
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