This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
