I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
