Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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