ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
