I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
