i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
