i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
