I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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