2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
