he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
