I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I miss vodka workout Fridays
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
