i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize