I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
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