She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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