Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
