I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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