Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
