And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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