There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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