i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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