your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
