Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
