My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
