Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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