Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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