My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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