I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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